Strawberries and Coke... Options

[Mynzeyes]

the sharpest of blades
slices through skin
unleashing the pain
that's trapped deep within

as the blood flows warm
down my arm to my palm
i'm suddenly overwhelmed
by a feeling of calm

my burden is lifted
and no pain remains
as i watch all my troubles
spill from my veins

no one understands
the relief by the knife
i'm not killing myself
i'm moving on with my life

-spyrul-

___________________________________________________


So as I sit here, looking at my arm, I realize why it is that I've done what I've done, but I don't know why I'll do what I'm going to do next.

Sitting here, I can't help but think about what's been happening for the past few weeks, or even months. While there are very vivid specifics that have brought me where I am today, I'm not going to go into them, as in the grand scheme of things, they have no impact on the generalized reality that has come to be me.

I've become a believer in the ideal that during our time here, we are not to pick our path, or make our own decisions, nor have they been made for us. However, that we have already made our decisions, and our reason for being here is to understand why we've chosen that path.

Now, where does this put me? As I sit here, I realize that I have no idea why I've made some decisions, and I also have no idea why I've chosen the path that I will choose next. While I also live my life with no regrets, there are many things that I would chalk up under the "mistake" column.

But isn't that what makes us who we are? I know it makes me who I am today, and I have the marks on my arm to prove it. I am my mystakes. I am my faults. I am my accomplishments. I am my path.

Looking at my arm, I now understand more why I've done what I've done. I enjoy hurting myself, but not in the way that is visible to the naked eye. That is just the outlet that I have chosen. I put myself in the most detrimental situations, in which no matter what the outcome, harm is done inside.

In order to cope with this pain which these situations bring, different people choose different means in which to bring themselves temporary reprieve. Some people punch things. Some people drink. Some people write. Some people cut. Some people cry. There are many outlets. Are any more effective than others? No, they aren't. Why? Because it all depends on the person. No one can tell another person what the best outlet for superficial pain is, because it's all relative. No matter what the reprieve is, when the pain stops, when the alcohol wears off, when the pen goes dry, when the cuts heal, and when the tears dry, the intangible pain is still there.

But, we must all find an outlet. Mine is no different from your's or their's, it just happens to be somewhat less common, and that's ok, because that's who I am. If you don't like it, or don't approve of it, I'm sorry.

At the end of the day, I still have my strawberries and coke...

-John-

This post has been edited by Mynzeyes: May 7, 2005 - 2:36 AM

[Anub1s]

don't quite know what to say to that one. Glad you at least have a way of getting things out, and didn't you post something like this a while ago?

[amysmojo]

[ILuvMyCelica95]

[jgreening]

Sorry to hear you are down. We all have down times so hang in there. What works for me is that I set some medium range goals (3 to 6 months). Then, I work like a M___ F___ to accomplish them. You would be surprised at how having something you are working toward can get you back on course. Good luck.

[Batman722]

goals, John, goals

plan

[Jen]

Wow..

I'm a sh-thole of a person.

Yep, pretty much..

[Mynzeyes]

<alice in wonderland reference>

...delete me...

</alice>

This post has been edited by Mynzeyes: May 7, 2005 - 6:49 PM

[95gtschick]

John... we've talked before.. i know some of your troubles, not nearly all, but the ones you have told me about, if i were in your situation, i have no idea what i would do either. i'm sorry you have to go through all of that, and no Jen, you're not a ****hole. just occupy your mind with something else if that's possible, even if it's just for a little while, some way or another, things will get better. take it easy.

[carb0n_f1b3r]

seems pretty f*ckin selfish .. try facing facts how bout that? alot of ppl dont want to let go or do what they need to in order to get well they just sit in thier own misery because they are either too scared lose what it is they are identifying with which allows them to feel sorry for themselves or just afraid of moving on and failing again.. i really dont want to be a d!ck to you john i dont have ne reason to be but @ some point your gonna have to overcome the adversity that is before you... that is the essence of being a man .. not in the schovanistic sense either... but in the sense that you can take responsibility for yourself and when you have a problem though you may not have the solution you know that you will and can find it whatever it takes... but allowing yourself to rot to fester is a delayed equivelent of pulling a trigger... its one thing to ask for help but to pull ppl around you down because of your own problems you must know is wrong.. dmn

[carb0n_f1b3r]

do what ever it is that you need to do to find help n dont say its not a f*ckin problem either ... when you make these posts and you see how these ppl who are your friends react its pretty easy to deduct from how they post that there is something wrong.. to allow this to continue for personal gain or reasons or w/e you wanna call it is selfish my friend when all you have to do is what you KNOW is right

[95gtschick]

that's pretty rough...

[celicarocker]

[amysmojo]

gonads & strife!!!




weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[jayi12-15psi]

celicarocker-thats pretty funny/mean, I like it.

carbonfiber-thats mean and makes sense but I dunno if you've got enough street cred here to be like that.

[Supersprynt]

Ok well first, wtf is this emo fad crap? Why is everything that has to do with emotions and feelings "emo." Emo is some high school fad BS thats gotta die out because being emotional cuz its the cool thing to do its ghey. Next emo kid I see gets a righteous slap in the face. Why cant someone just express their feelings without it being "emo".

fvck emo.

[Mynzeyes]

celicarocker:

I like this one more:




carb0n_f1b3r:

How is expressing your feelings, and explaining why you do something so selfish? When did I say what I do isn't a problem?

I'm not rotting. I'm not festering. And I'm taking full responsibility. I'm sorry if people care about me, and want to help me. If you don't, then don't.

I didn't know that it was such a problem to express feelings, and explain why certain people do certain things. I'm not looking for sympathy, because I honestly don't care if I don't get any. I'm not being emo. If I was emo, I'd cry because my pencil ran out of lead, or if my shirt wasn't ironed in the morning.

Expressing your feelings, and explaining the type of person you are, and how you react to certain problems doesn't make you emo, it makes you in touch, and aware of your emotions. And as I said, I never said what I do wasn't a problem, I simply said it was no different than other detrimental activities people do to aleviate themselves from the problems at hand. Also, just because you search for an outlet doesn't mean that you don't take responsibility for whatever it was, or that you don't "man up" to the situation.

Your rant is somewhat ignorant in point, simply because it seems as though you think I'm trying to bring people down, and trying to look for sympathy, and saying how sad and pathetic I am, and how I don't want to deal with my problems.

However, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm talking generally about how I deal with my problems, and I'm educating some people as to the different form I choose. I'm certainly not posting this for people to think that I'm looking for grief, and if that's what you think, then don't even bother posting. This is purely for educating people that may not understand why.

-John-

[jgreening]

I simply said it was no different than other detrimental activities people do to aleviate themselves from the problems at hand.
[right][snapback]284939[/snapback][/right]

I disagree with this statement. It is true that there are other destructive things you can do in response to an emotional low point (e.g. alcohol, drugs, crime, etc) which may be as bad or worse than self mutilation. However, there are also healthy ways to deal with problems. Or, if escape is what is needed for a brief period of time, there are constructive ways to do that too (reading, working out, running, etc). It will be important for you to recognize that this practice is extremely destructive - not only to your body but also to your mind and spirit. My suggestion is to seek the help of a professional counselor tomorrow.

[Mynzeyes]

I simply said it was no different than other detrimental activities people do to aleviate themselves from the problems at hand.
[right][snapback]284939[/snapback][/right]

I disagree with this statement. It is true that there are other destructive things you can do in response to an emotional low point (e.g. alcohol, drugs, crime, etc) which may be as bad or worse than self mutilation. However, there are also healthy ways to deal with problems. Or, if escape is what is needed for a brief period of time, there are constructive ways to do that too (reading, working out, running, etc). It will be important for you to recognize that this practice is extremely destructive - not only to your body but also to your mind and spirit. My suggestion is to seek the help of a professional counselor tomorrow.
[right][snapback]284944[/snapback][/right]

Hense me saying that it was no different from other DETRIMENTAL activities. I know there are much more effective and positive ways.

I also know how destructive it is, which is why I stopped. I have thought about it recently, but I'm overcoming it, because it's stupid. I'm just explaining it at this point.

Thank you though. .

-John-

[CheesyLobster]

I've been holding in my comments for a while now on the basis "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." But I just need to say to you, John, that I have nothing against you or your problems and am sympathetic to your problems. But damnit, this is a car forum. What do you want from us? We are here to talk about Celicas. Yes this is the off topic forum, but I find this post inappropriate. You need to get some help, and not talk about your serious problems with people who are mainly strangers. I see that this is a cry for help, but I just don't think that these forums are the kind of place where you do that... As Coomer says, this is a family-friendly site, but your issues are not very family-friendly.

I'm telling you this because I don't think that anyone should have to suffer the way that you do, and you need to stop that suffering. But seriously. Talk to a therepist, not a bunch of car freaks/ internet geeks.

Sorry, I sincerely hope you get well.

Brian