Funny Story, public restroom content Options

[gt_driFFter]

*originally posted on a VW board*

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the
process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal,
following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch
at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with
subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order
for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way backto the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have
numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied.

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and
sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds
of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone
conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of
Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer
cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded
with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not
unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency
of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's
continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the
bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had
ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear
that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear
that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and
blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in
me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later,
in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now,
all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made
themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...
in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..."
followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at
the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding
down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear
words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I
could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal
announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily
into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a
fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him
running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage.
I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew
that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that
unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl.
Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom
with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a
face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the
bathroom.

This post has been edited by gt_driFFter: Feb 13, 2006 - 10:16 PM

[Cutrara]

Whiskey
Tango
Foxtrot

[dlx742]

thats messed up

[j0e_p3t]

i have to admit... that was some pretty funny ish. gross, but funny.

This post has been edited by j0e_p3t: Feb 13, 2006 - 6:11 PM

[devilsden97]

id like to state i made it to "Oh My God" then i had to stop reading, because i was in class, and i was laughing to loudly. I can't wait to hear the end. I like how u describe the noise, Wet sheet, and a piece of plywood......OMG i laughed, and people staired...i wish i could get that kinda reaction out of people when i wanted too. oh well

[jayi12-15psi]

Why did you type all of that up? This isn't an editorial column. This reminds me of some of those posts that are just stories someone copies and pastes into a new thread.

I'd give a link to the page I was thinking about, but the content is pretty vulgar.

[Bigmeanbulldog55]

That was pretty funny. I'm not much for the fart humor, but this one made me laugh pretty hard. Kudos to you.

[forkee]

Hahaha, that was great. Ur good at describing things, lol.

[bloodrain]

dude, you should be in the newspaper writing stories. When you can write about your experience taking a sh!t and make it interesting, you can write about anything.

Language = A+
Grammer = A+
Punctuation = A+
Story = Sh!tty

[jayi12-15psi]

I honestly don't think he wrote that. I'm not hating on the skill used to create it, but I just can't understand why he'd spend so much time typing that up for us. I'm willing to be it = cut&paste from somewhere else.

[x_itchy_b_x]

your material or not, its funny stuff.
thanks for the laugh.

[jayi12-15psi]

One time I posted this horrible story that was written in the first person on another forum. The forum is pretty vulgar most of the time, so my thread went over huge. It was basically about me having sex with a retarded girl. Obviously it was a joke, and I revealed it as a joke after a couple of pages of people talking about it. Guess you'd have to read it to think it was funny.

[gt_driFFter]

Didn't write the story, although I would love to be able to write like this guy does. I never laughed so hard in my entire life until I read this story, it's absolutely hilarious!

[Supersprynt]

cliff notes?

[Bigmeanbulldog55]

That's plagarisum without quotes and a referance to author. Sad to know you didn't write that. I was really hopeful.

[gt_driFFter]

That's plagarisum without quotes and a referance to author.

I really think you need to take things less seriously. I was not trying to pass this off as my own. Just for reference, the author of this is unknown, as jay said, I merely got this from another forum.

Supersprynt, cliff notes would serve no good, as the humor of this joke is derived from the way the author describes it. I think you'll get a good laugh if you do end up reading it.

[Cutrara]

Yeah, plagarism is using another's work and passing it off as your own.

He didn't say, "HEY GUYS CHECK OUT THIS COOL STORY I WROTE TODAY ABOUT TAKING A ****"

[jayi12-15psi]

well, I think he did pass it off as his own, but it's stupid to get pissed about it, it's just a joke.

[Bigmeanbulldog55]

That's plagarisum without quotes and a referance to author.

I really think you need to take things less seriously. I was not trying to pass this off as my own. Just for reference, the author of this is unknown, as jay said, I merely got this from another forum.

I'm a Psychology major, it's become my nature to take things seriously. I wasn't saying that you should fix it, I was just saying it was plagarism. Everyone should try a few high level Psyc classes, the strickness on writing and stats is very valuable.

[gt_driFFter]

That's plagarisum without quotes and a referance to author.

I really think you need to take things less seriously. I was not trying to pass this off as my own. Just for reference, the author of this is unknown, as jay said, I merely got this from another forum.

I'm a Psychology major, it's become my nature to take things seriously. I wasn't saying that you should fix it, I was just saying it was plagarism. Everyone should try a few high level Psyc classes, the strickness on writing and stats is very valuable.

I never said i was the author, nor did I try to act like it was mine. People ASSUMED that I wrote it, that's their assumption. MY BAD for not adding a disclaimer, although I still think you are over-reacting. You are beating a dead horse, everyone already knows what you think on the subject. Your opinion is nil to me, as I know I wasn't attempting to pass this story off as my own.

Now please, DROP IT. I'm done replying to comments about the matter, for it serves no purpose.

PS- For someone who focuses on the "strickness" of writing, you sure could use a vocabulary lesson or two.